Bo

   “Ahhhh!”

   “Okay, okay. You are doing well.”

   “Ahhh!”

   “Yes, I’m here, honey. Take a deep breath and…”

   “Ahhhh!”

  

  

   “Madame, it’s she. Congratulations.”

  

    From the very moment I became eighteen, the fragrance of my life and the world I am living in has changed. When I was seventeen, I have felt the scent of maturity, going closer to the edge of being an adult. I have felt the responsibility for myself and my life. Now, at the point of me being an eighteen years old high school kid, I see the broader scope of that responsibility. I am actually conducting my life in a way which nobody can expect, including me.

  

   “Mom, here. Take her. She loves to cuddle.”

   “Oh, wow. Hi, there. I am your grandma. Honey, name her, Bo.”

   “Bo? Why?”

   “It means ‘wave-like’ in French.”

   “Why ‘wave-like’?”

   “Oh, how adorable. Look at her. She sure loves to cuddle.”

   “Mom? Why Bo?”

   “Do you remember the day before your wedding?”

   “Mom, what are you talking about? Why do you want to name her Bo?”

    

 I am paving it up. Slowly and gradually, I see myself becoming lenient. No more to the morals that were so deeply ingrained in me seem as important. I used to be that A-student. My mom never so much cared about much of what I did so long as my report card like my dad’s monthly salary had the right numbers on them. At school, I am a bright kid, friendly to everyone, an extrovert

“The day before your wedding, I went through your album. Gosh, you were so little. You remember the house we were living in when you were 5? The white one with the blue roof?”

“I know it by the photograph. I don’t remember it, though.”

“Oh, then, do you remember the park we went on your sixteenth birthday?”

“Yeah, I remember that. It was a sweetest day ever.”

“Do you also remember the night before your final exam when you were 19? I hated you that night. Oh, look at her. Hello.”

“Huh? Why?”

“I had to wake your dozing head up for like a thousand time for that whole night, because you asked me to do so.”

“Oh, I now remember. But, I got a pretty good score for that exam.”

“Just say ‘Thank you, mommy.’ Oh, now she is asleep. Shhhh.”

“I think she likes you, mom.”

“Do you know how your grandma reacted when she first saw you?”

    – but in the inside, my soul festers more and more each day. I cannot break down into tears, because I know that I won’t be able to stand up again, gather the scattered pieces up and go back to the mundane life. The responsibilities became a burden, a chain that strangled me from being free. Yet, I had no one, not even one to discuss. There, I stood alone, in front of the whole city, in front of thousands of people. Nobody had time to care about me. They were so busy to catch up with their lives. Meaningless. No goal. No vision. Nothing they need to approach to.

   “I don’t know. You never told me.”

  

   “She was more than just happy. She was too overwhelmed to speak a word after meeting you.”

  

    I am in this world - the world where my shoulders are drooped by the meaningless weight, a burden that I had for no reason. The weight I had, not because I am grown, but because I am living in this world. I need to escape from here. I need to get me free for the meaning in my life.  

“I miss her, mom. I remember her as a faint memory. But, I still can feel the enough warmness from that. I remember her violet long scarf that she wore every day. She was surely beautiful.”

“Yes, she was. Your grandpa was a wonderful person, too. He wore a black jacket every day. Tugging to his jacket was what I did when I wanted to feel him near when I was young.”

   So, I dived into the ocean. Cold water touched my skin. I swam, on and on, my breath held.  I threw away the chains. I separated myself from the giant rock that has been suppressing me, and would have suppressed me for the rest of my life. The sea opened up my eyes. The deep blue color soaked into my eyes. At that moment, I started to see a little girl who dived into the ocean, the little girl inside me who had been so alive, genuine, and authentic.

“What were you like when you were just a girl, just a woman before you became a mother?”

   The little girl with her jet black hair tied into a bun in that weather-beaten jacket. The jacket had been my father’s; back from one of his days in the military. I can almost hear the trumpets and the drum through my ears; the crowd clapped along with every step of the soldiers as they marched on.

“Oh. Well, I was…”

   My father, stood at the front of the line, so young and proud- the man in the photo my mother used to show me. “This is the man I fell in love with,” my mother would tell me, almost wistfully. I would wonder, sitting on her lap, “What about now?” My mother replied, “He no changed for his whole life. I believe he would be that same man up there, too.”

“I was…”

   “Ma, I miss him.”

“A girl that had a scent of an ocean.”

   “I do, too, darling. I see a lot of him in you. The only thing is that I smell an earth from him, but I smell an ocean from you.”

“What do you mean, mom?”

   "What do you mean, ma?”

“I see your grandpa a lot from you.”

   “From your father, the bravery in his eyes has the wild dust wind. From you, the bravery in your eyes has the stilled moment of the wild ocean.”

   “I was surprised when I first saw her. She has those eyes just like mine.”

   My eyes were blurred by the deep and pure blue. It was not easy, facing yourself for so long. The moment was held with my exhalation. The water bubbles tickled my body. The air was all gone from my lungs, but I have never felt such comfort, the liberty that I finally found in me.

   “When I was eighteen, probably the age that enabled me to define myself, I met myself from the deep ocean. You are a girl, a woman, a mother who has the bravery in your eyes as the wild dust wind. I am a girl, a woman, a mother, a grandma who has the bravery in my eyes as the stilled moment of the wild ocean.”

    I am eighteen. Say hello to the world with the enormous wave I am going to bring. I am free from the world. My body has the ocean blue, and my eyes see the ocean blue, and I can sing the ocean blue. I have this responsibility for myself and my life, plus for the world. I am much closer to the unknown society that I will soon engage in. I will keep paving my road on the ocean for the vision that I keep in my heart - the vision to give a positive influence to the world. So, Hi. I am eighteen. Expect me.

   “Expecting this little girl, you a mother now, and me a grandma now - Hi, Bo. Sleep tight. I’ll be here next to you, get some sleep.”

  

   “Can you sing me a lullaby that you sang for me when I was young?”

  

   “Alright. It has been years from the last time I sang you this song. Okay, close your eyes.”

Hush now my Storeen Close your eyes and sleep
Waltzing the waves
Diving the deep
Stars are shining bright
The wind is on the rise
Whispering words of long lost lullabies
Oh won't you come with me
Where the moon is made of gold
And in the morning sun
We'll be sailing
Oh won't you come with me
Where the ocean meets the sky
And as the clouds roll by
We'll sing the song of the sea

                                    (Song of The Sea – Nolwenn Leroy)